ATTN: People of the Train

FYI to the people on the train: It is not wise to talk on your cell phones during the morning train ride.

When you make your business calls and leave your name and cell number with the secretary, I can hear you and I'm making a mental note of it. I'm talking to you Jan Foresman and Yvonne so-and-so. I'll spare you the crank calls and not post your cell numbers here, but for future reference you should go to the corner of a less occupied car to talk about business. I'm trying to read 3 books right now and the last thing I want murmuring in the background is your inane prattle about working at a bank (Yvonne) or your sales figures (Jan F.).

Quite frankly Yvonne, I did not find your continuous string of calls to upper management at all cute, although after 20 minutes I realized this seemed to be your goal. Did you not notice that yours was the only voice on the train this morning? At least until your train mate Kimi took a call about the furniture she was trying to sell.

You see if you interrupt my reading then I'm going to focus on your conversations and point out that you (Yvonne) are probably some corporate climbing corporate climber and you think of Kimi as some green, sorority, flunky enjoying her first taste of money. (Alright, I'll give you that. She did seem a little giddy for 7:45 am.) It was pretty obvious though the way you snubbed her comments about the techno DJ she and her boyfriend/new-husband saw in Ibiza on their recent "exotic" vacation. Is that because you don't like electronica or were you trying to belittle her?

Also, I found it somewhat manipulative the way you began each of your calls (to what was apparently male coworkers) in a flirty tone only to get increasingly aggressive as they seem to buy into your points. I'm assuming they were your superiors the way you were asking for guidance and permission to move forward on your projects. Next time if you see me writing know that I'm taking notes on your corporate speak so I can get the vernacular down for a story I'll probably write about you later. Just FYI.

And to Steve so-and-so, you obnoxious prick. You are obviously cheating on your wife. We could all tell by the gruff and sarcastic way you blamed her for you guys being late because she couldn't get up and out of the house on time. Then immediately after you hung up with her you made another call where your tone got all sappy and sweet and you called somebody "sweetie", the whole time not thinking enough to lower your voice to spare the rest of us the details of your sordid life. Then you called a lawyer about getting your license back (D.U.I. maybe?) and reminded the secretary that the ad had said the first consultation would be free. We were not impressed when you told her you were a licensed carpenter, nor did we feel sympathetic when you said you can't work without a car because there were no jobs by your house. Hey, motherfucker I'm commuting 4 hours a day for my job. The lamest part was when you got off the phone and immediately called your mother (your mother!) and told her she needed to be ready to give you a ride on Friday to the lawyer's office. You didn't even say "Hello" or "Good morning". You just filled her in on your situation and expected her to make accommodations. And what are you, like in your mid 30's?

Finally, to the cute girl in the green coat I see every morning. You can talk all you want on the train. I'm not bothered by it at all. Also, I really dig your green coat. Your hair smelled great the other morning when you sat in the seat directly in front of mine. I could tell you just washed it because you had it all tied in a knot on top of your head and it still looked wet. Oh, I'm not stalking you or anything. I just think you're cute and, well, those pouty lips. If you're reading this, I'm the tired looking guy reading all the books and chewing on the pen. Hi!

All right then.